When the Weight Feels Invisible: Motherhood, Neurodivergence & Mid‑Life Stressors
As a therapist, I often meet women in their 40s who are raising neuro‑divergent children—children with ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences, or other diversities of neuro‑development. From the outside these women look like they’re “handling it,” but often inside, the nervous system is on constant alert. Nurturing your child’s difference, while keeping yourself grounded can feel heavy and lonely. Not to mention if you have a late diagnosis of any neurodivergence yourself (hello late life diagnosis of ADHD!), you are just trying to stay above water most of the time. Let’s put some words to what you might be experiencing!
Here are three common stressors mothers in mid‑life often describe — and ways to support both you and your nervous system, so that you can be more present, resilient, and less depleted.
1. The Exhaustion of Constant Monitoring & Unmet Needs
A neurodivergent child often requires more vigilance: anticipating meltdowns, noticing sensory overload, adapting routines, advocating in school settings, structuring supports, possibly doing more research or medical/therapeutic coordination. At the same time, many moms say that their own needs—physical rest, emotional processing—don’t get sufficient attention. Over time, this becomes chronic stress: fatigue, sleep disruptions, irritability. The emotional toll this takes is significant, but most moms are quietly suffering: they continue to over-function to feel safe. This leaves their struggle almost invisible to most.
What to do:
Build predictable rest into your week—literal rest. Even a 20‑minute quiet time or walk can help reset nervous system tone. This is hard for over-functioning moms who feel like slowing down is uncomfortable/unsafe, but this is imperative. (I can help with this!)
Prioritize one small self‑care ritual that you feel truly nourishes you (not just what “should” nourish). This one is also difficult for most moms- I see you, and I believe this is also imperative for you to function in a way that is more sustainable (again, I can help!).
Practice awareness: notice when you feel tightness in the body, racing thoughts, or overwhelm. Body signals are early warning signs for burnout. This is also a practice in being more present with what is happening before you which brings more clarity and less pre-occupation with the unknowns that cause stress and anxiety.
2. Feeling Invisible & Misunderstood
Because neurodivergence is often “invisible,” many mothers have the sense that others don’t see what they go through. Teachers may misinterpret behaviors, friends may not know what to say so they stop asking you about it. Without seeing the systemic supports needed, family members might assume you’re overreacting or that the child’s challenges are “just a phase.” This invisibility contributes to shame, isolation, and internal pressure. Most moms are already feeling internal pressure, so this extra push feels unbearable.
What to do:
Find community: other parents of neurodivergent children, support groups (online or in‑person), therapy groups. These are places where being seen and heard is possible. The best thing you can do for yourself is be vulnerable and reach out to other parents who you know have been struggling, too. There can be so much unknown relief in this.
Share your story with trusted people: a partner, friend, therapist. Even small disclosures (“Today was really hard” or “I’m not okay”) help reduce feeling alone.
Educate your circle gently: how neurodivergence shows for your child, what helps, what doesn’t. Sometimes explaining what “regulation” looks like for your child (and for you) opens up compassion. Something I say almost every day to my clients is : “People don’t know what we don’t share. We have to tell people our experience because everyone is in their own story, not in yours.”
3. Difficulty Regulating Your Own Nervous System
When a child is dysregulated—meltdowns, sensory overload, emotional outbursts—it’s common for a mother’s nervous system to go into “survival mode”: high alert, fight/flight, or freeze. When this is frequent, the body starts expecting that dysregulation as the norm, making it harder to calm down.
What to do:
Grounding practices: breathe slowly (e.g. 4‑7‑8 breath), feet on floor, using senses (what can you see, hear, smell, touch now), even short moments of mindfulness. Glimmers! Find glimmers (see my IG stories for more on glimmers!).
Somatic work: gentle yoga, stretching, progressive muscle relaxation, or other body‑based work to release tension.
Scheduled “re‑set” periods: times where you disengage from caregiving, even briefly. Let someone else take over so you can rest or just do something enjoyable. Try to build these in regularly so your nervous system knows there is relief.
Supporting Yourself & Asking for Support
To keep yourself caring well for your child—and also caring well for you—you need practical and emotional scaffolding.
Be your own advocate: talk with therapists, pediatricians, educators. Ask not just “what can my child do to manage,” but “what do I need to stay well so I can help.”
Delegate & share: pinpoint tasks others can do. Maybe a friend can take the child for an hour, someone else can help with chores, or a partner can take evenings. You don’t have to do it all. THIS IS WHERE MOST OF MY CLIENTS STRUGGLE. I see you in this letting go of doing it all and I can help!
Set boundaries: it’s okay to say “I can’t do that today,” or “I’m not up for deep conversation now,” to protect your rest time. Or, it’s okay to say that you can’t make a family function or a friend hang because your child isn’t up for it. People pleasing often leads to so much more depletion for you and your child. This one is a hard one, I know- but again, I can help!
Therapeutic support: individual therapy, peer support, or support groups can be lifelines. A therapist can help you process grief, frustration, or anger that may go unacknowledged otherwise. There is so much grief in raising a neurodivergent child- most people don’t even realize how much they are carrying until we start to unpack it in therapy.
Final Thoughts
It can feel deeply unfair: in mid‑life, when you may have once thought your parenting would be “easier,” neurodivergence introduces new layers of complexity. The dysregulation is real—and invisible to many. But there is power in shaping your environment, choosing supports, and tending to your own nervous system.
When you feel steadier, you’re more able to help your child feel safer. When you feel seen, your resilience strengthens. You are not alone. What you’re doing matters deeply—for your child and for your own well‑being. If you’d like, I can also send you some guided practices or audio meditations for nervous system regulation tailored for parents.
In Solidarity,
Jolene
