When Saying “Yes” Feels So Good—Until It Doesn’t
A Therapist’s Take on High-Functioning Moms and the Art of Letting Go
By Jolene Altman, LCSW, Therapist & Working Mom
You’re Great at Holding It All Together—Until You’re Not
Let me start with something real: I know the feeling of saying “yes” with a smile while secretly wondering how you’ll pull it off. I’ve been there—juggling a career, parenting, relationships, housework, school forms, last-minute cupcakes, and inboxes that never empty.
For many high-functioning moms, saying “yes” becomes second nature. It feels good. Empowering, even. Like confirmation that we are smart, capable, productive, and needed.
But let’s not lie to one another: sometimes that yes is less about alignment and more about performance. It’s people-pleasing dressed up as being helpful. It’s overfunctioning with a side of exhaustion. And while it feels amazing in the moment—it can backfire. Hard.
The Crash That Comes After the High
Eventually, you might find yourself here:
Running on fumes
Feeling quietly resentful
Wondering why everything feels so hard
Questioning whether you’re “doing it all” or just “failing at everything”
This is the moment where high-functioning begins to unravel. And it happens to so many women—because we’ve been taught that being helpful, agreeable, and always-available is who we should be.
But what if it’s not?
Here’s the Good News: You Can Step Out of the Trap
If this feels familiar, you are not alone—and you are not broken. You’re just a mom doing your best in a culture that praises burnout and overextension. And you can begin to rewrite the script without losing your brilliance, generosity, or competence.
Here are three practical ways to shift out of performative over-functioning while still honoring who you are:
1. Saying “No” Isn’t a Failure—It’s Leadership
Saying no doesn’t mean you’re weak or selfish. It means you’re leading with intention. Every time you say no to something that doesn’t align with your bandwidth or values, you’re saying yes to something that does—your energy, your peace, your priorities.
Ask yourself:
“If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?”
That simple question can bring powerful clarity.
2. Spot the “Yes” That’s Really About Being Liked
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be seen, appreciated, or admired. But when every yes is about being liked, needed, or praised? That’s people-pleasing sneaking in the back door.
Pause and ask:
“Am I doing this because I want to—or because I want to be seen a certain way?”
That awareness is everything. You don’t have to stop helping—you just get to do it from a place of choice, not performance.
3. Protect Micro-Moments of Rest Like They’re Gold
You don’t need a massive life overhaul. You need breathing room. Ten minutes of not being useful to anyone but yourself. That might sound impossible—but those small resets are what help you keep functioning at a high level, without crashing.
Try this:
Step outside and breathe
Take a guilt-free phone break (scroll something silly!)
Sit in silence without solving a single problem
Protect these moments like they matter—because they do.
You’re Still High Functioning—Even When You Say No
Let me say this as clearly as I can:
You don’t have to earn your worth through exhaustion.
You don’t have to prove anything by saying yes to everything.
You can rest. You can ask for help. You can choose you.
You’re still incredible. You’re still strong. You’re still showing up—maybe even more honestly—when you pause, say no, and give yourself permission to be a more human mom.
Need Support?
If you’re tired of overfunctioning, overwhelmed by expectations, or unsure how to stop saying yes to everyone but yourself—I can help. Therapy is a place where we untangle these patterns and build something gentler, more sustainable, and still just as powerful.
Reach out when you’re ready.
Jolene
Therapist • Working Mom • Recovering Over-functioner
